Cogito Ergo

Last Sunday was Easter.  A lot of you went to church and looked either ridiculous or outlandishly attractive for people celebrating our favorite nigga's return from the grave.  I had something even more interesting on the schedule.  I was going to see a family member that recently got out of jail that had been there his entire adult life. I'll spare you the family drama but a little back story:  Said family member is about my age and a man.  End back story. Now, as these things tend to be awkward, it totally wasn't.  Everyone enjoyed it and some rather interesting shit happened. Fam and I began to chat because, like our lord, I tend to have conversations with niggas with questionable back stories.  Now, I'm quite used to chatting it up with jail niggas even though they have some interesting theories about life so I was prepared for whatever.  He asked me what I was doing with myself and I replied that I was a regular working ass negro, and h...

It has only been two and a half weeks.  It took almost three whole weeks for America to regress back to the normalized ignorance of the 1950s. But fear not, we can do this, guys.  We have literally done it before.  Yeah, it sucked a lot of ass along the way but let's not lose focus on the future or the children... because they are like the same thing or something. Still, it can be hard out here, as anyone that actually attempts to raise their kids will tell you.  Don't worry, I got ya back.  Here are some survival tips to help us all get through the next few years. 1.  Fuck - Wait, why are you not doing this already?  Anyhoo, the world might need them kids for votes.  There are only 5 presidential elections before they can carry the mantle.  Get to fucking, rational people.  Yes, rational people, get your sex parts together.  We already know dumb people getting their unprotected juice exchanges on without any encouragement. 2....

As it stands, I am 6' tall and 185 pounds; exactly the same dimensions that I was 10 years ago.  My abs are slightly less Usher-like but still, not bad for 36 years of age.  needless to say that weight loss isn't my New Year's ambition. It took me a minute to think about what I really wanted in the New Year and of all the things that I thought of, most of it was a piece of me I'd lost in the last couple of decades.  With that in mind, here are some old year resolutions that I hope to keep in the one seven. 1)  Pretend to be balling Once upon a time, if I hit payday with $200 in my account it was time to turn the fuck up.  Nowadays it's time to re-evaluate my spending.  How did that happen?  It was probably because I have a wife that comes up with the most creative ways to cost me 100 bones but it could be that I have a different concept of money now.  I want to build my family a fortune and triple digits just ain't gonna do it.  Of cour...

For the last 3 years or so, I've shaved my head at least twice a week.  It's my style.  I like it.  The ladies like it and I'm pretty sure it's in my NSA profile picture.  But every few years, I decide to grow my hair out. I done gone and tried it again. I have about a half of a half of a half an inch.  It's just enough to let me know I'm not going bald yet.  Also, it it is long enough to brush which reminded me that I don't even have a hair brush. That realization made me realize something else: I have no idea how to treat my hair.  Like I said, I've had hair before.  Fade to cesar to twisties to fro, I've seen it all.  I've even made it to cornrows.  The thing is, I always find my way back home.  One of the main factors is that I have no idea what to do with hair. I am 36 years old, and I have literally never bought shampoo.  I've bought sunscreen.  I've bought a wedding ring.  Shit, I've bought tampons with a...

I only have one fear that has lasted the last 20 years of my life.  That is losing my mind.  I don't mean excessive drinking or getting some bad weed at a Redman concert.  I worry that I might go the kind of crazy that the only thing left to do is dope me up and sit me in a corner.  This is a possible reality for me.  I've been involved in some very public freak outs before.  So far, everything has snapped back in place with only one run in with the law.  Luckily that only ended me in County Jail for the weekend, not in the loony bin. I don't fear insane asylums as places, either.  I know some people think they are scary because of all the medieval torture scenes they've seen in movies but that wouldn't be the worst part for me.  It would be the inability to communicate.  Worse yet, I'm afraid that I'll lose my will to communicate.  You have to find yourself in a lot of darkness to be too tired to attempt your own voice. ...

In light of the recent Presidential election, it has occurred to me that I haven't been warning y'all that you have been fucking up often enough.  But fear not.  The baby has been born, I'm out of vodka, and the dust is being blown of the laptop.  All that to say, sorry it's been so long. I don't want to sit in here and talk about Donald Trump.  You guys created Donald Trump so I want to talk about what you guys did wrong.  While this could be a 100 part series, ain't nobody got time for that.  Saturdays are for celebration and weekends are made for Michelob.  Let's talk about the main problem.  You guys are doing racism wrong. There is a bigot going to the Whitehouse precisely because enough people felt that voting was their only outlet for their simmering racism.  So, before y'all keep feeding Hitler your racist vibrations, let me save you, and the country from driving this dumb ass shit clear in to World War III. Before we get in to ...

In celebration of Pied Piper's alleged engagement to a beautiful young lady 30 years his junior, let's take a look back and review the best times he warned us about himself.  I'm not even going to discuss his interviews because, let's face it, every time that nigga has opened his mouth and a note didn't come out, some unbelievably ignant shit flew out.  But what can we expect from a guy that filmed himself pissing on a child (!).   Instead, let's talk about the times where he slid in some shit that went right over our heads until it hit us like the final scene from The Usual Suspects. 7.  He referred to himself as the cookie monster and not in a PBS kind of way.   If you ever want to find something too sacred to children to make dirty, Sesame Street is a good place to start.  At least, that is what normal folks think.  This man ain't normal folks. 6.  This nigga had a song called "Seems like you're ready".  In said song he ...