In light of the recent Presidential election, it has occurred to me that I haven't been warning y'all that you have been fucking up often enough. But fear not. The baby has been born, I'm out of vodka, and the dust is being blown of the laptop. All that to say, sorry it's been so long.
I don't want to sit in here and talk about Donald Trump. You guys created Donald Trump so I want to talk about what you guys did wrong. While this could be a 100 part series, ain't nobody got time for that. Saturdays are for celebration and weekends are made for Michelob. Let's talk about the main problem. You guys are doing racism wrong.
There is a bigot going to the Whitehouse precisely because enough people felt that voting was their only outlet for their simmering racism. So, before y'all keep feeding Hitler your racist vibrations, let me save you, and the country from driving this dumb ass shit clear in to World War III.
Before we get in to the solutions, allow me to say that I understand. There is a certain tribalism that is just human. It is a part of self love but tribalism leads to racism and racism is kinda stupid. We are all human (aliens and ghost reading this notwithstanding). Humanity is but one race, unfortunately some of us are dumb and dumb shit is the tool of the devil.
With that in mind, let me help you do racism better. If we are going to do it, can we at least do it well enough that it doesn't ruin our everyday lives or elections.
Rule 1: Be Funny
I was at a BBQ with my White girlfriend back in the day, surrounded by White folks, when she said I get racist when I get drunk. That wasn't true, I just had a low tolerance for white supremacy, but anyhoo, my response was "I'm not racist. Some of my best friends are Black." Everyone laughed and we continued to get our drink and eat on. I didn't stop being Black, they didn't have to steer around that fact, behold the power of humor.
Don't think that only a Black people can get away with this either. I've heard George Carlin and Louis C.K. say "nigger" and not miss a beat. Now, I'm not saying that you should try it at the office Christmas party, I'm just saying it can be done. Just have your resume ready just in case.
Rule 2: Call Bullshit on Yourself
If you grew up on Earth, such as I did, racism will still creep in to your brain and force you into some dumb ass thoughts. You have to work hard to filter that shit out.
Here is a short story about Michael Sam; the first openly gay man drafted by the NFL. For weeks, I was hearing how he kissed his boyfriend on national TV and some people somewhere gave a fuck. I didn't. Dudes kissing isn't my cup of tea but I hear it happens. So what. A few weeks pass and I was at the gym, attempting to bring sexy back and the clip comes on the screen. Michael Sam kisses his man and a voice in the back of my head goes "A White dude!?!?! We ain't good enough for Michael now?" Luckily, my brain produced another voice that said "Nigga, hush." I stopped in my tracks and had to put down my weights to laugh at myself. Racism is stupid and it makes us think stupid things but just like when you want to race that train or call in to the Jerry Springer hotline and give your opinion. It's okay to rethink dumb ideas.
Rule 3: Call Bullshit on Your Own Folks
In any culture, there are some group held bad ideas. White people think mayonnaise is food. Black people think "deep fried" is a food group and you should see what Mexicans think is candy. All I'm saying is that we all got problems. If you are going to call out another group, tell your uncle to have a goddamned seat before he even finishes his Obama joke. It is love to stop our loved ones from fucking up. If you really don't love your peeps like that then you're not really a racist, you're just a regular old asshole.
Rule 4: Don't let it Stop Love
As I've noted before, racism won't get you laid. You don't gain anything by letting people that you are attracted to pass you by because of your parents, priest, friends or President. You can't take away someone else's humanity but you can give away your own. Try to remember that love trumps hate, but stupid trumps quite a few good ideas. Don't feed in to stupid, it will devour us all.
I'm kinda glad that Bob Marley can't see us now. Although, I guess it is pretty nice that people of all colors are rioting in the streets together. I guess that's something to build on. I suppose that really could be the best way to be racist. Be smart enough to put it aside when the shit hits the fan. With that in mind, spread love, get each other's backs and if you ever get a chance, get drunk with Asains.
I don't want to sit in here and talk about Donald Trump. You guys created Donald Trump so I want to talk about what you guys did wrong. While this could be a 100 part series, ain't nobody got time for that. Saturdays are for celebration and weekends are made for Michelob. Let's talk about the main problem. You guys are doing racism wrong.
There is a bigot going to the Whitehouse precisely because enough people felt that voting was their only outlet for their simmering racism. So, before y'all keep feeding Hitler your racist vibrations, let me save you, and the country from driving this dumb ass shit clear in to World War III.
Before we get in to the solutions, allow me to say that I understand. There is a certain tribalism that is just human. It is a part of self love but tribalism leads to racism and racism is kinda stupid. We are all human (aliens and ghost reading this notwithstanding). Humanity is but one race, unfortunately some of us are dumb and dumb shit is the tool of the devil.
With that in mind, let me help you do racism better. If we are going to do it, can we at least do it well enough that it doesn't ruin our everyday lives or elections.
Rule 1: Be Funny
I was at a BBQ with my White girlfriend back in the day, surrounded by White folks, when she said I get racist when I get drunk. That wasn't true, I just had a low tolerance for white supremacy, but anyhoo, my response was "I'm not racist. Some of my best friends are Black." Everyone laughed and we continued to get our drink and eat on. I didn't stop being Black, they didn't have to steer around that fact, behold the power of humor.
Don't think that only a Black people can get away with this either. I've heard George Carlin and Louis C.K. say "nigger" and not miss a beat. Now, I'm not saying that you should try it at the office Christmas party, I'm just saying it can be done. Just have your resume ready just in case.
Rule 2: Call Bullshit on Yourself
If you grew up on Earth, such as I did, racism will still creep in to your brain and force you into some dumb ass thoughts. You have to work hard to filter that shit out.
Here is a short story about Michael Sam; the first openly gay man drafted by the NFL. For weeks, I was hearing how he kissed his boyfriend on national TV and some people somewhere gave a fuck. I didn't. Dudes kissing isn't my cup of tea but I hear it happens. So what. A few weeks pass and I was at the gym, attempting to bring sexy back and the clip comes on the screen. Michael Sam kisses his man and a voice in the back of my head goes "A White dude!?!?! We ain't good enough for Michael now?" Luckily, my brain produced another voice that said "Nigga, hush." I stopped in my tracks and had to put down my weights to laugh at myself. Racism is stupid and it makes us think stupid things but just like when you want to race that train or call in to the Jerry Springer hotline and give your opinion. It's okay to rethink dumb ideas.
Rule 3: Call Bullshit on Your Own Folks
In any culture, there are some group held bad ideas. White people think mayonnaise is food. Black people think "deep fried" is a food group and you should see what Mexicans think is candy. All I'm saying is that we all got problems. If you are going to call out another group, tell your uncle to have a goddamned seat before he even finishes his Obama joke. It is love to stop our loved ones from fucking up. If you really don't love your peeps like that then you're not really a racist, you're just a regular old asshole.
Rule 4: Don't let it Stop Love
As I've noted before, racism won't get you laid. You don't gain anything by letting people that you are attracted to pass you by because of your parents, priest, friends or President. You can't take away someone else's humanity but you can give away your own. Try to remember that love trumps hate, but stupid trumps quite a few good ideas. Don't feed in to stupid, it will devour us all.
I'm kinda glad that Bob Marley can't see us now. Although, I guess it is pretty nice that people of all colors are rioting in the streets together. I guess that's something to build on. I suppose that really could be the best way to be racist. Be smart enough to put it aside when the shit hits the fan. With that in mind, spread love, get each other's backs and if you ever get a chance, get drunk with Asains.
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