For my friends that considered suicide when having a nigga in your corner isn't enough

I remember wanting to die.  I didn't want to kill myself per se, I just wished that I could just go the fuck away.  I was a young, skinny teenager that wasn't looking forward to anything outside of video games.  What kind of life is that?

But teenage life is always stupid.  When the lead actor is phoning it in, the play sucks.  That is teenage life in America.  I wish I could say that only teenagers go dark enough to want to die but we all know that is not true.  Life gets so much harder for people that dare to be an adult.

As an adult, I get reminded of my younger years because shit still gets dark.  When I feel that kind of hopelessness, I still remember the fire that gets lit inside of me.  My ability to say "Fuck all of these people." is my super power.  It is a necessary tool for me.  When all the love I try to spread around begins to fail that flaming hatred for those that I let push me there always comes back.  Somehow, it brings the rest of me with it.

It's funny.  People say that love will see us through but that isn't true.  Love gets you cut deeper than anything.  That hatred is a weapon that can get your ass powered up.

But, I don't want to talk about rage.  I want to talk about us; more importantly, you.

It's easy to see people that are hurting when you've been through the same thing.  I saw you when your isolation from your siblings turned you in to an alcoholic.  I saw you when you moved to NYC and that constant pressure pushed you to your breaking point.  I watched you through your divorce.  I even saw you when your boyfriend beat you and you brought him around me and I didn't kill his ass the way I should have.  I returned the smile when you didn't feel free to express your sexuality.  When you were just plain tired of it all, my 'HBD' post on your birthday didn't mean a thing.

I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry that I didn't play the hero and try to save you.

You see, I saved myself.  I have a tendency to expect that everyone can do the things that I do without help.  That's wrong.

I know that you would have pushed me away if I called you out because that is what I would have done in your shoes.  But, you would have known that somebody cared, and that is where I failed you.  Even when you don't take the support, there is comfort in knowing that is there.

So, hey, I'm here.

I'm not perfect.  I might try to fill you with tequila and tacos then beat your ass in video games but I want you to know there is love between my words.  I care.  I always cared but I'm not always so great at it.

I wish that I could tell you that it will pass but I'm not a fucking genie.  You might need to make better life choices, get off the sauce or maybe stop fucking racist White women.

But I won't judge (that's a lie).  I just want you to know that I'm here if you ever need to talk or just go get a drink or just sit in silence when you shouldn't be alone.

The truth is, you're not alone.

Feeling alone is the best demon of them all and you've felt it the same way that I do from time to time but just like the devil, that demon is a liar.

The truth is that I'm here.  I got issues, as you well know, but I'm here and you are here.  That means we ouchea.  If you are going through it, WE are going through it so just let me know if there is something that I can do.

In most instances there is nothing that I can do but be there.  That being said, I'm here; loving you. I don't want to cry my eyes out at your funeral. I'd rather drink cheap beer at your pity party.

One last truth: I need you.  It's selfish but you make my life better and I don't wan't to hear that you're gone, even if the extent of our relationship is reading each other's tweets. 

Humans rely on each other.  You may not rely on me the way I rely on you but when I let you down, I let myself down.  Don't let me let myself down.  I'm trying to be happy.  I'll be happier if you come with.