It has only been two and a half weeks. It took almost three whole weeks for America to regress back to the normalized ignorance of the 1950s. But fear not, we can do this, guys. We have literally done it before. Yeah, it sucked a lot of ass along the way but let's not lose focus on the future or the children... because they are like the same thing or something.
Still, it can be hard out here, as anyone that actually attempts to raise their kids will tell you. Don't worry, I got ya back. Here are some survival tips to help us all get through the next few years.
1. Fuck - Wait, why are you not doing this already? Anyhoo, the world might need them kids for votes. There are only 5 presidential elections before they can carry the mantle. Get to fucking, rational people. Yes, rational people, get your sex parts together. We already know dumb people getting their unprotected juice exchanges on without any encouragement.
2. Read - The American media is basically just a show now. No, it isn't faked but it isn't very informative either. Luckily, Al Gore invented the internet. There is a wealth of info out there. Go get a slice.
3. Drink - Trust me on this one. We are just beginning an era of outward lying by the oval office. Don't look straight in to the fire. Dull your senses so you have the strength to keep coming back.
4. Don't check out - Now that you're faded, informed and sexed up, this will be easier. Too many have checked out already and what the Devil need to win is the indifference of otherwise good people.
5. Buy Used - The economy is going to bubble and tank. It happened the last 3 times a Republican was elected to the White House. (Why do we keep doing this???) Better not buy that new whip unless you're comfortable living in it. Don't build that house unless you never plan on living in it.
6. Keep Your Resume Handy - Sure, you don't think you're touchable. You got the game on lock, then LeBron comes flying in and blocks your layup and now you have to break up Durant and Westbrook to have a chance at another title before Steph's ankles go bad. Anything can happen.
7. Lie - One thing Donald Trump taught us is that the truth and facts don't mean shit. You want to survive out here? Let these niggas know that you bench 400 pounds, fly a helicopter and fucked the shit out of Jennifer Lopez back in '06. You might end up being the President.
8. Ball Until You Fall - You remember that time you got like your first 1000 dollar account balance and you felt like you were never going back? Then, you remember the overdraft fee you were paying 2 months later? Uneducated White men just got their student loan checks and in two shakes of a PBR can they are going to ask to hold $5 from everyone else in the world. Do yourself and spend it before Cleetus does.
9. Don't Buy a Gun (if you're not White) - Follow me on this one. You know how crazy rednecks are acting right now? It will have nothing on how they will start acting when they realize that President spray tan has hoodwinked them. As per the usual, the less enlightened will find some niggas and Mexicans to blame their problems on and will legit deserve to be shot. This is bad but it isn't worse than doing 25 years for being mistaken about your "rights."
10. Stop Arguing - America is being willfully stupid and no amount of facts is going to help that. Say what's on your mind and bounce. Everyone loves a good mic drop. Now it's our turn.
It's all good guys. They still make vodka and Marvel movies. One day we will look back at these times and laugh... or we'll all be dead but we may as well die smiling.
Still, it can be hard out here, as anyone that actually attempts to raise their kids will tell you. Don't worry, I got ya back. Here are some survival tips to help us all get through the next few years.
1. Fuck - Wait, why are you not doing this already? Anyhoo, the world might need them kids for votes. There are only 5 presidential elections before they can carry the mantle. Get to fucking, rational people. Yes, rational people, get your sex parts together. We already know dumb people getting their unprotected juice exchanges on without any encouragement.
2. Read - The American media is basically just a show now. No, it isn't faked but it isn't very informative either. Luckily, Al Gore invented the internet. There is a wealth of info out there. Go get a slice.
3. Drink - Trust me on this one. We are just beginning an era of outward lying by the oval office. Don't look straight in to the fire. Dull your senses so you have the strength to keep coming back.
4. Don't check out - Now that you're faded, informed and sexed up, this will be easier. Too many have checked out already and what the Devil need to win is the indifference of otherwise good people.
5. Buy Used - The economy is going to bubble and tank. It happened the last 3 times a Republican was elected to the White House. (Why do we keep doing this???) Better not buy that new whip unless you're comfortable living in it. Don't build that house unless you never plan on living in it.
6. Keep Your Resume Handy - Sure, you don't think you're touchable. You got the game on lock, then LeBron comes flying in and blocks your layup and now you have to break up Durant and Westbrook to have a chance at another title before Steph's ankles go bad. Anything can happen.
7. Lie - One thing Donald Trump taught us is that the truth and facts don't mean shit. You want to survive out here? Let these niggas know that you bench 400 pounds, fly a helicopter and fucked the shit out of Jennifer Lopez back in '06. You might end up being the President.
8. Ball Until You Fall - You remember that time you got like your first 1000 dollar account balance and you felt like you were never going back? Then, you remember the overdraft fee you were paying 2 months later? Uneducated White men just got their student loan checks and in two shakes of a PBR can they are going to ask to hold $5 from everyone else in the world. Do yourself and spend it before Cleetus does.
9. Don't Buy a Gun (if you're not White) - Follow me on this one. You know how crazy rednecks are acting right now? It will have nothing on how they will start acting when they realize that President spray tan has hoodwinked them. As per the usual, the less enlightened will find some niggas and Mexicans to blame their problems on and will legit deserve to be shot. This is bad but it isn't worse than doing 25 years for being mistaken about your "rights."
10. Stop Arguing - America is being willfully stupid and no amount of facts is going to help that. Say what's on your mind and bounce. Everyone loves a good mic drop. Now it's our turn.
It's all good guys. They still make vodka and Marvel movies. One day we will look back at these times and laugh... or we'll all be dead but we may as well die smiling.
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