In celebration of Pied Piper's alleged engagement to a beautiful young lady 30 years his junior, let's take a look back and review the best times he warned us about himself. I'm not even going to discuss his interviews because, let's face it, every time that nigga has opened his mouth and a note didn't come out, some unbelievably ignant shit flew out. But what can we expect from a guy that filmed himself pissing on a child (!).
Instead, let's talk about the times where he slid in some shit that went right over our heads until it hit us like the final scene from The Usual Suspects.
7. He referred to himself as the cookie monster and not in a PBS kind of way.
If you ever want to find something too sacred to children to make dirty, Sesame Street is a good place to start. At least, that is what normal folks think. This man ain't normal folks.
6. This nigga had a song called "Seems like you're ready".
In said song he declares that it "seems like you're ready to go all the way." This is a line straight from the creepy old man playbook. Like screwing some jerk will make a girl in to a woman.
5. Aaliyah's first album cover.
See that nigga lurking in the back? If you ever in your life see somebody behind a 14 year old looking like that, stab that nigga. Do the world a favor.
4. He referred to himself as the Pied Piper of R&B.
If you don't know the story of the piper, he used his pipe to steal a town's kids... his pipe... kids... Kells heard this story and thought "Role Model".
3. He had an album called "The Chocolate Factory".
Willy Wonka had a chocolate factory and when he opened that bitch up he promptly ruined the lives of 2 little girls and 2 little boys. Yeah, he found one special boy to give the world to, only after the little boy tried to leave after Wonka set the fool up. The moral of the story: If you want it all, try to get the fuck away from R. Kelly... I mean Willy Wonka.
2. That nigga wore a Hamburgaler Mask.
My man was looking for a new style and for inspiration he channeled a criminal that hangs out at McDonald's. Officer Big Mac, where were you, man.
1. This nigga said "Show me some ID before I get knee deep in you".
Now, I've been in some moral grey areas when pussy is involved but I ain't never ever never not never thought I might be doing something illegal. What's worse, the only kind a nigga that might be worried about a potential partner being in high school is the kind of nigga that has been wrong about it before. That's an R. Kelly kind a nigga. Avoid said niggas.
Hindsight is 20/20 and all but how could we have missed it? R. Kelly is the WMDs in Iraq. He is the Y2K bug. He is brand new Dodge Neon we all financed with the first three months for free. We knew we were fucking up and we just couldn't see the forest for the creepy ass trees.
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