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Fuck Christmas

I fucks with Jesus.  Everybody knows I fucks with Jesus, 24/7, 365.  That being said, he is responsible for the WORST part of the year.

Some conservatives say there is a war on Christmas.  If it's true, it's because Christmas started this shit.  Here's how:

The Commercials

 Let me get this straight.  People are for real out here buying Lexuses and diamond rings for their wives (never for their husbands, because White patriarchy and the like) because Jesus?  Nigga please.  I'm working folk.  All my peeps are working folk.  The only way any of us can buy a Jesus inspired Lexus is if mall Santa gropes one of us and we sue the shit out of the mall.  I'm broke and I don't appreciate the TV reminding me 50 times a day.  I'm aware, stall me out.

Everything I Bought This Year is Now on Sale

 Everything from chewing gum to nose hair removers is on sale and I don't need any of that shit.  I already bought that shit when I needed it and could afford it.  Now, people that don't even need the shit are copping it on the low low.

People are Ridiculous


The only TV worth fighting for is the one at your house.  How are you suppose to get to Heaven, meet Jesus and tell him you punched an old lady to get that 4KHD for 40% but you did it for him.  Even Real Nigga Jesus would be disappointed. 

People Expect Me at Church

I love a good Christmas pageant but if you think that I'm about to sit my hungover ass on that pew for another 3 hours in the middle of the playoff race, you are incorrect.  Now, there are things I do like about Black churches.  The women are fine, when they cook, they COOK and I love hearing 25 40+ year old Black women singing virtually anything.  That being said, I'm not about to sit through "Dis why you going to Hell, now pay me for telling you this."

Those Damned Bell Ringers

I feel like a jerk every time I don't have change.  I have enough reasons to feel like a jerk.  I don't need some minimum wage worker with a bell to remind me that they ouchea trying to feed the hungry and I ain't doing shit for the cause.  Fall back, Salvation Army.  Plus, when I do have two nickles in my pocket, when I give, do I get a receipt?  Nope.  No write offs, no acknowledgment.  Maybe and I mean maybe you get a "Merry Christmas".  Of all the free shit in the world, shouldn't "Merry Christmas" be just as free as a "Fuck You"?

I'm Too Old to Not Buy Gifts

Trick love the kids.  Nuff said.


I Ain't Getting a Damned Thing

The wife doesn't even celebrate Christmas...Because Jesus.  I can't even call it.  I just know I ain't getting anything from one of the few people on Earth that likes me that doesn't share any close DNA.  Maybe I was naughty.  If so, fuck you Santa.  Who is you to judge me?  Take that new Xbox Kinect, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways and shove it up your jolly ass, Claus.

I'm Going to Cry at the End of 'It's a Wonderful Life'... again

Screw you for judging me.  I'm grown and I'll cry if I want to.

The Music

No one wants to hear music that nobody has ever had sex to.  You ever fucked to Jungle Bells?  Thought not.  It's probably not even possible.  What's worse, they have been piping this garbage through the airwaves since Halloween.  What the hell happened to Thanksgiving?  The turkey lobby needs to get on it's game or we won't even have the day off of work the way Thanksgiving get played.

Jesus probably don't fuck with this shit either.  If you think about it, I'm being more Christ-like by looking past Christmas to get my Kwanzaa on because you know Black Jesus got the flyest dashiki ever made.

Le sigh...

I suppose I could turn off the TV, turn off the radio, not get groceries, not go to the store and walk around spreading love like Jesus' homeless ass and tell people I'm a carpenter.  It would be the Christian thing to do but I don't think the wife would go for it.  Guess I'll keep working and keep baby girl happy with cheap, plastic crap.

Happy holidays, nigga.

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