Russell:
Thanks for inviting me here to celebrate our 100th blog post. It means a lot.
Cogito:
You the one that keeps showing up for work, leaving all this free time in the middle of the day. I thought it would be nice to let you do something since you're the only dumbass that gets your work done promptly.
R:
Whatever, nigga. Thanks, anyway.
C:
No doubt. You know, 15-20 years ago, if someone would have suggested that I would be writing 500 word essays for mostly my own entertainment I would have laughed. Then I would have thought, I'm just never going to have a normal sex life.
R:
Umm, do you remember college?
C:
Hazy glimpses. You were always reading and shit. Great job, there. All that education is really helping you out in that warehouse right now. To think of it, I remember a lot of beautiful women getting away from you as fast as possible, too.
R:
They didn't all get away.
C:
True enough, my nig. True enough.
R:
To the point of this get together. Where did you find your voice?
C:
What do you mean?
R:
Why do you feel the way you do and how did you learn to express those feelings?
C:
I wasn't always this expressive but I had a couple of good English Teachers.
R:
Miss Willis and Delilah Caldwell
C:
How did I know that you knew that?
R:
Class is kinda my territory.
C:
Not that class that Ariana Diaz taught. Spanish 102 was all me. That was one fine TA; more like a TnA am I right?
R:
Focus. You were explaining to us your voice.
C:
It wasn't until college that Igot in to real hip-hop, not that Master P shit that was taking over about then. Hearing Mos Def and Kweli talk about real life sort of made me want to articulate better all my feels.
R:
That's pretty deep. Shame you can't rap. Maybe that's why I created you. You are my rapper side that can't rap.
[Awkward Pause]
C:
You... created me? Let's explore that, shall we?
Do you really think that it was you that stole your first college girlfriend from your homeboy? Was it you that fed that stupid line to your first White girl? Better yet, was it you that punched that nigga in his mouth for clowning you in the 4th grade? Was it you that cussed out Rev. DuBose? No? Then who you think that was that would fight your neighbors even though the little one was 20 pounds bigger than you? Don't get it twisted. If anything, You're Tyler Durden. I'm whatever the fuck Ed Norton's name was. That's right. I'm Superman, you're Clark Kent's bitch ass. I'm Heathcliff Huxtable you're Bill Cosby the rapist.
R:
Wait, shouldn't you be consensual Cosby? I mean, he is the man behind the mask, right?
C:
Focus! You know what I mean.
R:
Perhaps you don't get enough credit. But seriously, how would you function like this all day every day? How could you go out on Saturday if it wasn't for me on Monday through Friday? How could we stay married? Who would do the damned laundry?
C:
I never said you were USELESS. I'm just saying I've been here all along. I do all the writing. You do all the editing. Speaking of which. What's with all the semicolons?
R:
I like semi-colons. It looks like the sentence is winking at you.
C:
If you like them so much, perhaps you should google how to use them correctly.
R:
I did that; seemed bourgie.
[Both Laugh]
C:
Okay, okay. What about all the parentheses?
R:
Parenthetical asides
C:
Asides from what?
R:
What?
C:
Huh? Whatever. Just edit this part so I can get back to thinking about Serena.
R:
Finally something we can agree on.
C:
Word to that. The wife and Serena are the only two things in the world keeping me from shooting your imaginary ass in the mouth like Ed Norton did Tyler Durden.
R:
Harsh...
C:
I'm teasing. You I need you to talk to police officers and do job interviews and shit.
R:
Yeah and I need you to keep co-workers on notice and ask the wife for oral.
[More Laughter]
R:
I Guess there's no Tao without a Yin and a Yang
C:
You're the feminine ass Yin
R:
I'm delighted that you know that but in most cultures femininity isn't viewed as weakness, merely the completion of the total.
C:
Will you complete the total so we can watch Rhianna's 'Bitch Better Have My Money' video again?
R:
That I can do. That I can do. I'll keep you in Cuervo money and you can keep me from jumping off of a bridge. deal?
C:
Nigga, you still here?
[End]
Thanks for inviting me here to celebrate our 100th blog post. It means a lot.
Cogito:
You the one that keeps showing up for work, leaving all this free time in the middle of the day. I thought it would be nice to let you do something since you're the only dumbass that gets your work done promptly.
R:
Whatever, nigga. Thanks, anyway.
C:
No doubt. You know, 15-20 years ago, if someone would have suggested that I would be writing 500 word essays for mostly my own entertainment I would have laughed. Then I would have thought, I'm just never going to have a normal sex life.
R:
Umm, do you remember college?
C:
Hazy glimpses. You were always reading and shit. Great job, there. All that education is really helping you out in that warehouse right now. To think of it, I remember a lot of beautiful women getting away from you as fast as possible, too.
R:
They didn't all get away.
C:
True enough, my nig. True enough.
R:
To the point of this get together. Where did you find your voice?
C:
What do you mean?
R:
Why do you feel the way you do and how did you learn to express those feelings?
C:
I wasn't always this expressive but I had a couple of good English Teachers.
R:
Miss Willis and Delilah Caldwell
C:
How did I know that you knew that?
R:
Class is kinda my territory.
C:
Not that class that Ariana Diaz taught. Spanish 102 was all me. That was one fine TA; more like a TnA am I right?
R:
Focus. You were explaining to us your voice.
C:
It wasn't until college that Igot in to real hip-hop, not that Master P shit that was taking over about then. Hearing Mos Def and Kweli talk about real life sort of made me want to articulate better all my feels.
R:
That's pretty deep. Shame you can't rap. Maybe that's why I created you. You are my rapper side that can't rap.
[Awkward Pause]
C:
You... created me? Let's explore that, shall we?
Do you really think that it was you that stole your first college girlfriend from your homeboy? Was it you that fed that stupid line to your first White girl? Better yet, was it you that punched that nigga in his mouth for clowning you in the 4th grade? Was it you that cussed out Rev. DuBose? No? Then who you think that was that would fight your neighbors even though the little one was 20 pounds bigger than you? Don't get it twisted. If anything, You're Tyler Durden. I'm whatever the fuck Ed Norton's name was. That's right. I'm Superman, you're Clark Kent's bitch ass. I'm Heathcliff Huxtable you're Bill Cosby the rapist.
R:
Wait, shouldn't you be consensual Cosby? I mean, he is the man behind the mask, right?
C:
Focus! You know what I mean.
R:
Perhaps you don't get enough credit. But seriously, how would you function like this all day every day? How could you go out on Saturday if it wasn't for me on Monday through Friday? How could we stay married? Who would do the damned laundry?
C:
I never said you were USELESS. I'm just saying I've been here all along. I do all the writing. You do all the editing. Speaking of which. What's with all the semicolons?
R:
I like semi-colons. It looks like the sentence is winking at you.
C:
If you like them so much, perhaps you should google how to use them correctly.
R:
I did that; seemed bourgie.
[Both Laugh]
C:
Okay, okay. What about all the parentheses?
R:
Parenthetical asides
C:
Asides from what?
R:
What?
C:
Huh? Whatever. Just edit this part so I can get back to thinking about Serena.
R:
Finally something we can agree on.
C:
Word to that. The wife and Serena are the only two things in the world keeping me from shooting your imaginary ass in the mouth like Ed Norton did Tyler Durden.
R:
Harsh...
C:
I'm teasing. You I need you to talk to police officers and do job interviews and shit.
R:
Yeah and I need you to keep co-workers on notice and ask the wife for oral.
[More Laughter]
R:
I Guess there's no Tao without a Yin and a Yang
C:
You're the feminine ass Yin
R:
I'm delighted that you know that but in most cultures femininity isn't viewed as weakness, merely the completion of the total.
C:
Will you complete the total so we can watch Rhianna's 'Bitch Better Have My Money' video again?
R:
That I can do. That I can do. I'll keep you in Cuervo money and you can keep me from jumping off of a bridge. deal?
C:
Nigga, you still here?
[End]
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