Cogito Ergo

Welcome to the 2015 Cogitos, not being presented by Steve Harvey.  Big ups to Steve, #doe.  I would have just left but he went back out there.  Ballsy, bruh, but get off of the stage. We, here at the Cogitos, didn't want to be too negative so we will give out cheers and jeers for a variety of random ass shit, sort of like the BET awards except we don't fuck with R Kelly.  Let's get it going. The ' NiggaWhat ?' award is for the person of any color, that did something so bizarre that it blew our staff's mind, yet this person continued to act like it wasn't bad at all.  The winner is... Ben Carson. Ben Carson, for two weeks, while running for President, tried to convince America that he tried to stab a nigga.  You read that right.  That's why he gets the hardware. ' Athlete of the Year ' Award goes to Serena Williams.  Sorry, Steph Curry, but high yellow niggas can't win everything. The ' You Should Be Shot ' award goes to p...

Time flies at the same rate in every moment.  We know this because, you know, watches and shit.  This year seemed to sort of drag on but I am well aware it wasn't time's fault.  It was mine.  There was totally not enough money, sex and drugs to keep my mind occupied.  I guess my resolution for next year is to do better.  Here go how: Stop Smoking Again: Yes, I'm still smoking Black and Milds.  Yes I know It's 1999, yes I know about cancer.  It is the source of much self hate and I tell myself I should stop...until I run out.  I'll do better; pinky swear it. Drink Better Liquor: I know you are thinking "Why don't you stop drinking?"  The answer to that is "Because I'm a fucking adult."  That being said, my stomach is 15 years in to this drank life and it has no room for McRibs, dry turkey or vodka with sugar in it.  It's Absolut and better for me in the 2016.  Good thing I'm saving all that Black and Mild mo...

Relax, I'm not calling you gay.  Unless, you're gay.  Then I''m calling you gay.... Okay let's move on. So Gilbert Arenas went on Instagram the other day to shame the WNBA for not looking like the lingerie football league (or Legends Football League, as it is officially named).  I usually would dismiss the ravings of a single dumb nigga but I couldn't because while driving home, I was at the end of the Atmosphere album and I had to turn on the radio. This is a problem because the radio was on the D.L. Hughley show.  D.L. got himself in to hot water a couple of years ago for basically agreeing with the "nappy headed hoes" remark from the Don Imus show.  Of course, D.L. completely agreed with Gilbert.  Ugh, so much sexist, racist shit to cover but let's sally forth. The pattern here is that these women are mostly Black, all strong, and none are there for the sexual consumption of men.  What do men of all colors do when confronted with this?  W...

I fucks with Jesus.  Everybody knows I fucks with Jesus, 24/7, 365.  That being said, he is responsible for the WORST part of the year. Some conservatives say there is a war on Christmas.  If it's true, it's because Christmas started this shit.  Here's how: The Commercials Let me get this straight.  People are for real out here buying Lexuses and diamond rings for their wives (never for their husbands, because White patriarchy and the like) because Jesus?  Nigga please.  I'm working folk.  All my peeps are working folk.  The only way any of us can buy a Jesus inspired Lexus is if mall Santa gropes one of us and we sue the shit out of the mall.  I'm broke and I don't appreciate the TV reminding me 50 times a day.  I'm aware, stall me out. Everything I Bought This Year is Now on Sale Everything from chewing gum to nose hair removers is on sale and I don't need any of that shit.  I already bought that shit when I needed ...

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I went down on Wonder Woman?  Duuuuuuude, let me tell you about this time I went down on Wonder Woman.   Remember when I told you about the White woman I was dating that was shaped like Jessica Rabbit?  Yeah, she decided on a Wonder Woman costume one year.  It wasn't particularly slutty, the girl was just stacked.  Bless her heart. Twas a Halloween night, no different from the rest, which means I was getting my drink on.  We were in a college town so there was no shortage flesh being flashed around at whatever watering hole I got dragged to, which could have been a problem since my eyes will wander from time to time.  Not that night.  The nerd and the nigga in me were in full agreement for once and we wanted the Justice League member that we came with. Anyway the night winds down and we get back to my place (sidenote: Having your own place is the shit).  We were there for like 5-10 nano seconds and ...

You know how there's always a gorilla at the zoo that's sitting there, seemingly chilling, then suddenly he picks up an old tire and throws it at the 5th graders behind the glass for no damned reason?  My sub-conscious is that gorilla. Sometimes I go about my day, eating my Flaming hot Funyons and the like, and something sparks the gorilla.  I calm down nearly as fast but for that split second I have decided to end someone's life.  "Who?", you may ask.  These muafuckas: People That Take Forever to Pick Out a Blunt Wrap at the Gas Station When I'm about to spend my last 10 dollars on enough gasoline to get back and forth to work, I'm already not happy.  When I get behind some fool that can't decide between the strawberry and pineapple blunt wraps and ask the clerk if he/she can look at the packaging to decide, I seriously want to find out how hard it would be to break a human neck.  You no memory having bastard, you clearly aren't going to re...

If twitter has taught me anything, it is that people not named Rosario Dawson are horrible.  If twitter has taught me two things it is that, though horrible, people lead some really interesting lives in the wake of their fuckery.  Here are a few examples of the shit people pull that makes me wonder whyhowwhowhatthefuck!? People That Carry out Lengthy Affairs I understand the whole "I was drunk and I was drinking with Bill Cosby earlier and my man was out of town" type of fling.  You messed up but you returned to reality shortly there after.  Shit happens and life usually doesn't grant the preferred allotment of booty in long term relationships.  You guys are wrong but I understand.  If Mariah starts talking all greasy to me in the VIP, I'm probably gonna have some splaining to do to the wife, myself.  What throws me is married or otherwise monogamous people that carry month and maybe year long relationships with a side piece.  How much lying c...