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2016 is Godspeak for "Do Better"

Time flies at the same rate in every moment.  We know this because, you know, watches and shit.  This year seemed to sort of drag on but I am well aware it wasn't time's fault.  It was mine.  There was totally not enough money, sex and drugs to keep my mind occupied.  I guess my resolution for next year is to do better.  Here go how:

Stop Smoking Again:

Yes, I'm still smoking Black and Milds.  Yes I know It's 1999, yes I know about cancer.  It is the source of much self hate and I tell myself I should stop...until I run out.  I'll do better; pinky swear it.

Drink Better Liquor:

I know you are thinking "Why don't you stop drinking?"  The answer to that is "Because I'm a fucking adult."  That being said, my stomach is 15 years in to this drank life and it has no room for McRibs, dry turkey or vodka with sugar in it.  It's Absolut and better for me in the 2016.  Good thing I'm saving all that Black and Mild money.

Get Mo Sexy:

I was in full hotness until I twisted my knee playing touch football.  I have documented my quest to dunk again before I die.  I was on my way until I out jumped some inferior athletes in the end zone and landed on one of their legs.  In my will not to hurt people for being little, I adjusted my landing and my right knee said "Ho, sit your old ass down."  I didn't listen and now this ho sit's his ass down because he cannot cut, jump or come to an abrupt stop without knee pain.  Well, I assume not because I have been babying the right leg for 2-3 months now.  The result of that is that I'm now 193 pounds whilst butt ass naked, which would be great except the fact that I now have an emerging pot belly.  That's right.  I have a narrow ass and a miniature pot belly.  Neither will see next Christmas.

Get Mo Handy:

The main sewer line in my house got clogged.  Since my house was apparently built by beavers, they had to go through one of the toilets with the pipe snake.  The guy from AB May cleared the clog but the wood under the toilet was so rotten that he couldn't bolt the potty back down (I highly recommend AB May, BTW).  After 137 trips to Lowe's and God only knows how much sawing, I have the section of the floor replaced, BUUUUUUUT that shit ain't nearly level.  It could just be the how the house settled but I'm man enough to admit this one is probably pilot error.  My shop teacher from middle school would not be impressed.  So yeah, tools and a level are coming next year.  Something tells me that my shop projects have just begun.  

Get to the Money:

My yearly evaluation is coming in March and I'm going to try and hit my boss for a $10,000 raise.  It sounds crazy (even a little to me) but I'm worth every penny and they are supposed to be training me for management.  So my first priority is to manage to get pizzaid.  Google tells me that's a 5 dollars an hour, raise.  Maybe I should get my resume up to date... I'll keep you posted.


You know what, after writing this out, it makes seem 2016 seem a little more hopeful, maybe even fun.  Wait a minute... It's an election year.  Somebody get me a drink.

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