Welcome to the 2015 Cogitos, not being presented by Steve Harvey. Big ups to Steve, #doe. I would have just left but he went back out there. Ballsy, bruh, but get off of the stage.
We, here at the Cogitos, didn't want to be too negative so we will give out cheers and jeers for a variety of random ass shit, sort of like the BET awards except we don't fuck with R Kelly. Let's get it going.
The 'NiggaWhat?' award is for the person of any color, that did something so bizarre that it blew our staff's mind, yet this person continued to act like it wasn't bad at all. The winner is... Ben Carson.
Ben Carson, for two weeks, while running for President, tried to convince America that he tried to stab a nigga. You read that right. That's why he gets the hardware.
'Athlete of the Year' Award goes to Serena Williams. Sorry, Steph Curry, but high yellow niggas can't win everything.
The 'You Should Be Shot' award goes to people who really, really have shown no use for human progression. This year's winner is Martin Shkreli.
This douche jacked up the price of a cancer/AIDS medicine by roughly 5000%, bought the sole Wu Tang album, then was promptly arreseted for running a ponzi scheme. If he had a White cat, or a mole, he would be a real life Bond villain. If he get's shot in the face tomorrow, no one will care, aside for the people he robbed... and maybe the RZA, because the RZA probably did that shit.
The '#StayWinning' award goes to whomever kept it moving in the light of fuckery all year. It should be no surprise that this award goes to Black Twitter.
Between #BlackLivesMatter, #ThanksgivingWithBlackFamilies, #StayMadAbby and #TheWiz Black Twitter showed it's ass in a manner in which something with 'Black' and 'Twitter' in the name could only do. On a personal note, management appreciates the fallback of random penises on our time line. #BigUps
The 'Team of the Year' is the Kansas City Royals. The Royals came back, came back and then at the end, they came the fuck back and won. They did the opposite of "Stay Winning" and still fucking won. An estimated 800,000 people showed up at their parade. There are only 400,000 people living in Kansas City proper....'nuff said.
The 'Petty of the Year' goes to the kayak eating bear. Turns out that bears don't appreciate you talking shit and using pepper spray on them... Good to know. For those of you that don't know about our friend, here you go. This year's winner
The 'How You do Dat?' award goes to my daughter because one night she convinced us to play with Doc McStuffins, in her closet, after a long day of work. I still don't know how she pulled that off.
'Person of the Year' goes to Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman. First, my man leaves jail on a motorcycle like a bad Sylvester Stallone movie, then he goes on the lamb, then proceeds to threaten Donald Trump and ISIS on TWITTER! I'm starting to think El Chapo is the Obama I voted for.
These are our big winners. Check your mail boxes everyone. We aren't sending you shit but you should just check your mailboxes in general.
Also, we have some lesser awards that are also due. Here are some ending credits.
Marshawn Lynch = 'Press Conference of the Year' Keep telling them why you're here.
That Black Stripper at my cousins favorite strip joint = 'Reminding me that I'm a decent Husband' because single me would have gladly got all of that syphilis. (They cure it with a shot, don't judge me.)
The Republican Party = 'Really Need to do Better' A guy from reality TV is leading in your polls. Do something or you will be lead by a Clinton or a Socialist...
Verysmartbrothas.com = 'Website of the Year' Thank you guys for keeping the committee from working too hard.. or at all.
Last but not least,
You = 'Thanks for reading' My goal was 10k hits overall but I stalled at 8700 and I am pretty pleased. Thanks for letting me share my public flip outs and nasty stories about Wonder Woman with you guys. I feel like you don't love me if you don't know me.. I mean the committee... which is just me. I promise more next year. Be safe, kids.
Peace, Love and wanton abuse of punctuation - Cogito
We, here at the Cogitos, didn't want to be too negative so we will give out cheers and jeers for a variety of random ass shit, sort of like the BET awards except we don't fuck with R Kelly. Let's get it going.
The 'NiggaWhat?' award is for the person of any color, that did something so bizarre that it blew our staff's mind, yet this person continued to act like it wasn't bad at all. The winner is... Ben Carson.
Ben Carson, for two weeks, while running for President, tried to convince America that he tried to stab a nigga. You read that right. That's why he gets the hardware.
'Athlete of the Year' Award goes to Serena Williams. Sorry, Steph Curry, but high yellow niggas can't win everything.
The 'You Should Be Shot' award goes to people who really, really have shown no use for human progression. This year's winner is Martin Shkreli.
This douche jacked up the price of a cancer/AIDS medicine by roughly 5000%, bought the sole Wu Tang album, then was promptly arreseted for running a ponzi scheme. If he had a White cat, or a mole, he would be a real life Bond villain. If he get's shot in the face tomorrow, no one will care, aside for the people he robbed... and maybe the RZA, because the RZA probably did that shit.
The '#StayWinning' award goes to whomever kept it moving in the light of fuckery all year. It should be no surprise that this award goes to Black Twitter.
Between #BlackLivesMatter, #ThanksgivingWithBlackFamilies, #StayMadAbby and #TheWiz Black Twitter showed it's ass in a manner in which something with 'Black' and 'Twitter' in the name could only do. On a personal note, management appreciates the fallback of random penises on our time line. #BigUps
The 'Team of the Year' is the Kansas City Royals. The Royals came back, came back and then at the end, they came the fuck back and won. They did the opposite of "Stay Winning" and still fucking won. An estimated 800,000 people showed up at their parade. There are only 400,000 people living in Kansas City proper....'nuff said.
The 'Petty of the Year' goes to the kayak eating bear. Turns out that bears don't appreciate you talking shit and using pepper spray on them... Good to know. For those of you that don't know about our friend, here you go. This year's winner
The 'How You do Dat?' award goes to my daughter because one night she convinced us to play with Doc McStuffins, in her closet, after a long day of work. I still don't know how she pulled that off.
'Person of the Year' goes to Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman. First, my man leaves jail on a motorcycle like a bad Sylvester Stallone movie, then he goes on the lamb, then proceeds to threaten Donald Trump and ISIS on TWITTER! I'm starting to think El Chapo is the Obama I voted for.
These are our big winners. Check your mail boxes everyone. We aren't sending you shit but you should just check your mailboxes in general.
Also, we have some lesser awards that are also due. Here are some ending credits.
Marshawn Lynch = 'Press Conference of the Year' Keep telling them why you're here.
That Black Stripper at my cousins favorite strip joint = 'Reminding me that I'm a decent Husband' because single me would have gladly got all of that syphilis. (They cure it with a shot, don't judge me.)
The Republican Party = 'Really Need to do Better' A guy from reality TV is leading in your polls. Do something or you will be lead by a Clinton or a Socialist...
Verysmartbrothas.com = 'Website of the Year' Thank you guys for keeping the committee from working too hard.. or at all.
Last but not least,
You = 'Thanks for reading' My goal was 10k hits overall but I stalled at 8700 and I am pretty pleased. Thanks for letting me share my public flip outs and nasty stories about Wonder Woman with you guys. I feel like you don't love me if you don't know me.. I mean the committee... which is just me. I promise more next year. Be safe, kids.
Peace, Love and wanton abuse of punctuation - Cogito
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