Cogito Ergo

It has dawned on me (several times) that the Maury Povich Show is basically the same damned thing over and over.   But I was thinking, there’s got to be a way to make this shit more exciting.   With that in mind, for all of you jobless midday drinkers and alcoholic insomniacs:   The Maury Povich Drinking Game (First one to get pregnant loses) Black Woman with multi colored weave:   All minorities drink Teenage White girl on stage: All White people drink Black man with White Baby momma: Everybody drink White man with Black Baby momma: Change the channel; you’re watching the wrong show Someone Belly Flops on couch: Chug until they fall on floor Someone Belly Flops on Floor: Chug until they get up Someone calls him ‘Murray’: Everybody Drink Multiple Baby Momma’s: Drink for each kid Someone dances on stage: Everyone of that sex drinks and imitates dance Audience Boos: Everyone drink Booze Audience Cheers: Cheers to everyone… so...

I’ve been a dad for nearly a day and a half and I’m already exhausted.   My daughter has little regard for day and night.   My daughter… It’s still really funny to me to say that. I know I wrote on my last blog that newborn babies are ugly and…. Well that’s still true, BUT that doesn’t mean that they aren’t precious.   My daughter is the most beautiful little person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.   She gave me the beginnings of a smile today and blew me away.   I knew I was got when I thought it was cute when she took a poo while I was changing her diaper.   Somehow in the span of 24 hours, doo doo became cute. Must be love. There are some other weird things going through my head as I look forward to raising a baby girl: Is this going to change my view of sluts and strippers?   At least 18 years ago, all those women were somebody’s little girl.   I would hate for my baby to have the same fate.   Then again, I want my baby to know ...

What are you going to do this weekend?   Watch some basketball?   See a parade?   Drink until you puke?   Oh, me???   I’m probably going to have a baby.   That’s right, a Mini-Cogito is headed to the world. It’s beautiful and awe inspiring and all that but it’s also nerve racking.   I haven’t had a good night sleep in weeks.   The worst part of that, when I do sleep I get crazy, baby dreams.   Several times, the baby has talked to me.   I don’t mean goo-goo ga-ga stuff either.   I mean clear ass English.   “Hi Daddy, let’s play!” coming out of an infant.   I wake up going, “What the fuck was that?” It’s messed up because I used to have anxiety because I didn’t have a job but somehow I actually found a semi-decent one but still, no sleep.   I can’t even take my usual insomnia killer, massive amounts of Cuervo, because not only do I have to go to work in the morning, I might have to drive my wife to the hospit...

There was once a point in my life that all I ever wanted to be was an average Joe.   You know, work at a desk, stare at a computer and drive a nice Honda Civic and shit.   But, you see, there was one fatal flaw in that plan.   It seems like that sort of thing just isn’t in my nature. I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer and being a nobody just wasn’t going to sit right with me for forever.   Don’t get me wrong, I really like having steady income.   I especially like the kind of money that I can stack up and spend on the weekends.   However, there has always been that part of me that strived for something more. Even going to college was a part of dreaming big for me.   That college life I saw on TV didn’t relate to me but I’ve always been a bit of a braniac and if you want to increase your brain power, college is the place to be. So I chased that dream and not long after I finished, I dreamt of more education and so I went back.   Call ...

I am a faithful man.   But don’t go applauding.   There are only a few reasons that make me this way. Reason number 1 that I’m faithful: I have never had any game whatsoever.   I mean never!   Before and after women decided I was attractive, I had no idea how to get a woman naked.   Oh, I could always talk to women but only because I’m a people person.   Also, I really do like getting to know women.   Contrary to popular belief, many of them are fascinating human beings.   Maybe it stems from the fact that I learned the value of a good woman friend before I learned about the worth of a willing vagina.   It’s ironic.   The women I never slept with are the only ones that I really fuck with nowadays.   Score one for the friend zone.   I don’t know why people complain about the friend zone.   Friends aren’t for random sex.   That’s what clubs and bars are for. Reason number 2 that I’m faithful: I’m fucking lazy....

I never used to fuck with white dudes, but that all changed when I turned 19.   I was going to KU and to avoid another year in the dorms, I put in to live in the campus apartments.   As unpopular as I was, I didn’t know enough people to lock down reliable roommates so I had to put my name in the lottery.   Basically they put your name in a random pool and the three guys that they pulled after you were going to live with you for a year.             In this day in age I suppose that I should say that I mean “fuck with” in the sense that I wouldn’t befriend them; not as in having sex with them.   FYI I don’t have sex with any color man.   What can I say? I’m straight.             Anyway, my sophomore year at the University of Kansas, I got put into a two bedroom apartment with TJ, Tanner and Chris.       ...

Cogito Awards 2012 has been a rough year.   Not just for me, but for America.   That being said, there has been some pretty noteworthy shit that has gone down and I would be remiss not to acknowledge some of the year’s over and under achievers.   With that, this is the 2012 Cogito awards!!!! Warning: There is no rhyme or reason to most of this. Album of the Year:   I only bought rap albums this year and none of the ones I picked up disappointed in the least.   Xzibit, B.o.B, Killer Mike and Lupe Fiasco all dropped great albums this year.   All of them worth the money but it was a late comer that really shut it down.   Big Boi’s Vicious Lies and Dangerous Rumors is the album of the year.   It is a work of art the likes of which we have come to expect from the cats from Outkast and this was another step forward in their legacy. Twitter moment of the year:   Stacy Dash goes Clueless.   It wasn’t Stacy Dash’s love of Mitt Ro...