Cogito Ergo

It has dawned on me (several times) that the Maury Povich Show is basically the same damned thing over and over.   But I was thinking, there’s got to be a way to make this shit more exciting.   With that in mind, for all of you jobless midday drinkers and alcoholic insomniacs:   The Maury Povich Drinking Game (First one to get pregnant loses) Black Woman with multi colored weave:   All minorities drink Teenage White girl on stage: All White people drink Black man with White Baby momma: Everybody drink White man with Black Baby momma: Change the channel; you’re watching the wrong show Someone Belly Flops on couch: Chug until they fall on floor Someone Belly Flops on Floor: Chug until they get up Someone calls him ‘Murray’: Everybody Drink Multiple Baby Momma’s: Drink for each kid Someone dances on stage: Everyone of that sex drinks and imitates dance Audience Boos: Everyone drink Booze Audience Cheers: Cheers to everyone… so...

I’ve been a dad for nearly a day and a half and I’m already exhausted.   My daughter has little regard for day and night.   My daughter… It’s still really funny to me to say that. I know I wrote on my last blog that newborn babies are ugly and…. Well that’s still true, BUT that doesn’t mean that they aren’t precious.   My daughter is the most beautiful little person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.   She gave me the beginnings of a smile today and blew me away.   I knew I was got when I thought it was cute when she took a poo while I was changing her diaper.   Somehow in the span of 24 hours, doo doo became cute. Must be love. There are some other weird things going through my head as I look forward to raising a baby girl: Is this going to change my view of sluts and strippers?   At least 18 years ago, all those women were somebody’s little girl.   I would hate for my baby to have the same fate.   Then again, I want my baby to know ...

What are you going to do this weekend?   Watch some basketball?   See a parade?   Drink until you puke?   Oh, me???   I’m probably going to have a baby.   That’s right, a Mini-Cogito is headed to the world. It’s beautiful and awe inspiring and all that but it’s also nerve racking.   I haven’t had a good night sleep in weeks.   The worst part of that, when I do sleep I get crazy, baby dreams.   Several times, the baby has talked to me.   I don’t mean goo-goo ga-ga stuff either.   I mean clear ass English.   “Hi Daddy, let’s play!” coming out of an infant.   I wake up going, “What the fuck was that?” It’s messed up because I used to have anxiety because I didn’t have a job but somehow I actually found a semi-decent one but still, no sleep.   I can’t even take my usual insomnia killer, massive amounts of Cuervo, because not only do I have to go to work in the morning, I might have to drive my wife to the hospit...