Cogito Ergo

I was doing the work of two people; easily.  I just want to make that clear.  I don't want anyone to think that I was just being a dick. Here's the scene.  It was maybe over a year ago and my company had just moved.  I was worried about some of the challenges of the complete warehouse move long before it happened but what happened was a clusterfuck beyond anyone could imagine. The people that you were sure you could rely on did their best to keep things afloat.  The ones that we couldn't rely on... well they became even more useless than I would have guessed which means the burden bearers were all on edge and forced to do more and more as the ranks of those that were checking out of the entire effort began to increase. It was under those circumstances that Michelle walked across the warehouse being escorted by my friend Kenny.  For those of you not in the know, anytime a white woman comes at me at work with a male escort, she about to start some shit ...

I was going back to work from QuikTrip when my charging system light came on.  It's that little battery light with the plus and minus above it.  As a purveyor of hoopties, the first thing I thought was "My alternator is shot."  Actually my first thought was "Motherfucking Chyrsler!!!" but then the alternator. Now, being the foolish nigga that I am, I drove on that shit for 2 and a half days like that.  See, the light had come on on a Tuesday (my birthday no less) and payday isn't until Friday.  Therefore and henceforth, I was riding.  That is, until I turned off of I-435 and the power steering failure light went out, which meant the battery was dying, which means I had about 2 minutes before my car stopped altogether. I almost made it to my exit.  As far as the sign says I was a mile and a half away.  Luckily there is a little rest stop right there so instead of being stuck on the side of I-70, I was stuck at a rest stop... during the worst ...

I'm officially on drugs now.  Some shit called Amlodipine that may or may not give me cankles.  As you can imagine, I am not very excited about this. The reason that I have to pop a pill every day is because a month ago my blood pressure was 160/120 which, for those of you scoring at home, is high as fuck.  Monday, my doctor had me in to make sure the first check was no anomaly.  This time my blood pressure was 180/110 which prompted an "Oh my goodness" from my nurse.  So what I'm saying is, I have high blood pressure. What sucks about this development is that it is usually reserved for people that are overweight.  While I am carrying an old man pudge of a belly, I am 6 foot (6' 3" when leaving Family Dollar on State Ave) and 185 pounds of cut muscle.  Did I mention I was hot? Never mind that because hypertention has it's probz. This is terrible for several reasons.  First and foremost, It could cause my dick to stop working in the next de...

People like to play with the thought experiment of "Would you kill baby Hitler?"  The idea is that it says something about you that you would either kill or save a baby, based on the probability that he was going to grow to be a monster. Given what we know about the history of Germany, I say kill that baby.  I'd beat that baby with an aluminum bat.  I'd castrate his dad and kick his mom square in the pussy on the way out.  Maybe I'm a bad person but I didn't kill millions of Jews and if I had to take a chance on the future for and Ann Frank and nem, that's gonna be one dead baby Adolf. That being said, I kinda feel like there are other people in history that needed to be stopped for the greater good.  There has been some unnecessary ass lives that have been lived and if I ever get my time machine up and working, here are few people that you won't remember existing: Whoever invented Caps Lock.  People have wasted countless hours deleting and r...

First off, nobody cares about Father's Day.  I have two kids and I don't care about Father's Day. That being said, I owe the men in my life everything that I have.  Like, not more than the women, but still everything if that makes any sense. My dad wasn't good at it.  Making kids, sure.  Providing a moral compass and the like? Not so much.  He loved us, that was for sure and that is the metaphorical first base and even if your nigga don't get home, you can appreciate him getting on base. The dude that is most responsible, good or bad, for who I am is Marshall Louis Hayes, Jr. My Brother was born 8 years before me, in the prime spot for role modeling.  Like chasing the future, he is something I can never catch up to.  I have always been smart, but not as smart as Lou.  I'm strong  but not as strong as Lou, aside from Renaissance fest 2013 when I beasted him and my brother in law in the strength tester (I beasted everybody 3 for 3). H...

Last Sunday was Easter.  A lot of you went to church and looked either ridiculous or outlandishly attractive for people celebrating our favorite nigga's return from the grave.  I had something even more interesting on the schedule.  I was going to see a family member that recently got out of jail that had been there his entire adult life. I'll spare you the family drama but a little back story:  Said family member is about my age and a man.  End back story. Now, as these things tend to be awkward, it totally wasn't.  Everyone enjoyed it and some rather interesting shit happened. Fam and I began to chat because, like our lord, I tend to have conversations with niggas with questionable back stories.  Now, I'm quite used to chatting it up with jail niggas even though they have some interesting theories about life so I was prepared for whatever.  He asked me what I was doing with myself and I replied that I was a regular working ass negro, and h...

It has only been two and a half weeks.  It took almost three whole weeks for America to regress back to the normalized ignorance of the 1950s. But fear not, we can do this, guys.  We have literally done it before.  Yeah, it sucked a lot of ass along the way but let's not lose focus on the future or the children... because they are like the same thing or something. Still, it can be hard out here, as anyone that actually attempts to raise their kids will tell you.  Don't worry, I got ya back.  Here are some survival tips to help us all get through the next few years. 1.  Fuck - Wait, why are you not doing this already?  Anyhoo, the world might need them kids for votes.  There are only 5 presidential elections before they can carry the mantle.  Get to fucking, rational people.  Yes, rational people, get your sex parts together.  We already know dumb people getting their unprotected juice exchanges on without any encouragement. 2....