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Kinda on the Wagon

If you guys know me, you know that I love the sauce.  The potion has been my greatest unwinding mechanism for sixteen plus years now.  With that being said, I come to you with a heavy heart because I have to inform you that I've nearly stopped drinking.

I didn't do this for any of the normal reasons niggas get on the wagon.  It wasn't for the kids or because I love my liver (sorry liver) but I did it for the same reason I keep finding myself buying maxi pads; to shut my wife up.

Now, with quiet wife, I've made few reflections on this journey:

1)  This is stupid but necessary, yet, also stupid.  You know what's better after a few drinks?  Everything.  Well, maybe not everything.  Drinking and basketball are uneasy bedfellows but you get the point.  When you do these things while dead sober, it turns out they are a little bit harder to enjoy.  For some reason I have walked in to a room that was clearly labeled "not as fun as the room next door" and I'm trying really hard to convince myself that I made the right decision.

On the other hand, it is nice not to ever be hungover.  Granted, I don't wake up all bright eyed and bushy tailed but I can actually get up and do shit like walk straight and eat breakfast and not want to vomit for the next 3 hours.  That's cool.  Along those lines, I've been trying to get in to shape and I have to admit, running two miles is a lot easier when you haven't had a drink in a week.  My beer gut is shrinking and I've also noticed that my sweat doesn't have that "floor of a dive bar" smell.  That's probably for the best.

Even so, there are so many spaces where a drink in hand would so improve the situation, which leaves me to this.

2)  I didn't completely stop drinking and thank the heavens for that.  If I were to grab a drink now, I'm not going to start bawling about my frailty as a human like Mike Pence does after he masturbates (unconfirmed but we know it's true).

Last Thursday I was on 9 out of 10 on the "I can't do this shit-o-meter".  What for, you ask?  I have no idea.  As usual it was probably just an avalanche of fuckery.  It happens.  What got me off the edge?  I went to my friendly neighborhood liq and got a pint of Tito's Handmade Vodka.  I was fine by midnight.  The thing is, I've never had the time or money to be a full scale alkie.  I've never absolutely needed a drink to get through a day.  Of course, I've dabbled in binge drinking but that was mainly when I was balling (AKA single) and didn't have shit to do.  So now, I don't feel like having a few drinks is going to lead me to being that guy on the side of the highway.  but hey , I'm only 37, it could happen.  I'm just saying it doesn't seem to be headed that direction so I shall continue to be an adult about it, thanks.

3)  The only real payoff for this is a bump in my weekly bank balance and the entire family benefit's from that...except me.  Stressor #1,548,872 is that these women of varying sizes at my house are expensive.  I don't mind feeding them but shit, how many shoes do they need?  I see why horrible men used to keep their wives barefoot.  Once they go shoes, they never go back.

4)  Once you brag to your wife about doing some shit she didn't think you would or could, there is no going back.  My wife basically Jedi-mind-tricked me in to handing over my balls.  Now that I've done it, I'm sitting here wondering where my damned trophy is.

5)  Lastly, there is only one reason behind doing something to shut your wife up, that's to get more ass.  Here is the thing I forgot to calculate:  I still have two kids, one of them is still in diapers.  Combine that with the fact that me and the wife both have full time jobs and guess what you get?  That's right, balls just as blue as they were before (I assume they are because my wife is hiding them somewhere in the house).  And don't go mentioning porn, it's twice as stupid when you're sober.

Basically I'm telling you that I just sold my soul for kisses on the cheek and the remnants of six pack abs.  Aren't I special.  Maybe I should just do what all the adults do in this situation.  Find a reliable weed man.

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