I try to enjoy life. I like loud music, Victoria's secret commercials and hard liquor. The inverse of that is that I hate watered down shit like light beer, soft-core porn and pulling out.
That last one has gotten me in trouble again.
That's right. Me and Mrs. Cogito are expecting another surprise, i mean baby... I mean surprise baby.
Having a second baby isn't as stressful as the first. I know how to budget for beer and video games and the like so that won't keep me up at night but baby number does represent some new challenges. Here are a few:
Regular sex life is dead
The pregnant wife keeps calling herself fat which means low self esteem which means not feeling frisky which means my relationship with internet porn is about to flourish. None of these things are healthy. Maybe I should just hit the strip club on a regular basis. Nahhh, too expensive.
I need a new car
I drive a two door and I have the front seat as far back as it can go. Can't do that with two baby seats in the car. Shit, I hate getting baby girl in and out of the backseat as it is. Now I have double the trouble. I'm old and my back hurts as it is. Maybe I'll get a SUV because fuck mini-vans. I'll die first...unless it's REALLLLLLY cheap.
Who gonna watch this baby
My sister has used all of my mother's baby sitting points. Her third kid has been the back breaker. My current baby sitter is pushing 80 and not the healthiest individual so she isn't about to watch the toddler and a newborn, so who is gonna watch this child? It looks like I'm headed toward a single paycheck household if things don't change... Excuse me, i need a minute.
I need a new job.. but...
So even if the wife gets back to work really fast, we are looking at a few months of tight pockets (especially if I buy another car). So I goes to my boss and tell him to pay the man, he responded "or nah." That's cool, I told him that I won't be around much longer. Then, out of the blue, I get promoted to manager... It still isn't enough money but I've been promoted the last two times that I've mentioned leaving. Maybe if I just keep threatening to leave I'll eventually die rich. It's a theory.
I'll never get 8 hours of sleep for an entire week
I don't get any sleep now. I haven't had steady sleep since I found out my wife was pregnant 4 years ago. Now that I have another newborn on the way I have no hope of getting these bags from under my eyes. I guess I might as well get down on this Keurig coffee machine before I spend the money on diapers. Ugh.
The madness that is baby naming
On my fridge there is a sealed envelope. Inside that envelope is the word "boy" or "girl". My wife hates every girl's name that I come up with. What's wrong with Maya? It's a good name! Forget I mentioned it. I digress. The envelope will be taken to a baker and said baker shall bake a cake and dye the inside either pink or blue. We invite family over and cut said cake. Then and only then will I find out which name that my child almost had because his or her mother will veto whatever I settle on.
There go my balls
I'm going to turn 54 the year that baby 2 turns 18. I'm going to be an older dad as it is. Also, I'm aware that babies aren't cheap when it comes to both time and money. I'm done with this baby having. I'm getting the big snip. Deez nuts have got me in enough adventure and it's time to shut it down. The good news about that is that insurance pays for most of the mutilation.. I mean procedure. For less money than my next trip to dentist I can be non-reproductive. Now that I think of it, that's pretty cool. More people need to get down on this snip-snip.
All this being said, I'm fairly excited about this new baby. The practice baby is doing well so we might hit this next one out of the park. Also, baby 1 needs a playmate that didn't drop 400 dollars on an Xbox one. As soon as baby 2 can walk they are getting locked in a room with one order: play.
I guess these are the times we all live for. I just want baby 2 to be healthy and happy... and a boy. Because, seriously, I need a teammate.
That last one has gotten me in trouble again.
That's right. Me and Mrs. Cogito are expecting another surprise, i mean baby... I mean surprise baby.
Having a second baby isn't as stressful as the first. I know how to budget for beer and video games and the like so that won't keep me up at night but baby number does represent some new challenges. Here are a few:
Regular sex life is dead
The pregnant wife keeps calling herself fat which means low self esteem which means not feeling frisky which means my relationship with internet porn is about to flourish. None of these things are healthy. Maybe I should just hit the strip club on a regular basis. Nahhh, too expensive.
I need a new car
I drive a two door and I have the front seat as far back as it can go. Can't do that with two baby seats in the car. Shit, I hate getting baby girl in and out of the backseat as it is. Now I have double the trouble. I'm old and my back hurts as it is. Maybe I'll get a SUV because fuck mini-vans. I'll die first...unless it's REALLLLLLY cheap.
Who gonna watch this baby
My sister has used all of my mother's baby sitting points. Her third kid has been the back breaker. My current baby sitter is pushing 80 and not the healthiest individual so she isn't about to watch the toddler and a newborn, so who is gonna watch this child? It looks like I'm headed toward a single paycheck household if things don't change... Excuse me, i need a minute.
I need a new job.. but...
So even if the wife gets back to work really fast, we are looking at a few months of tight pockets (especially if I buy another car). So I goes to my boss and tell him to pay the man, he responded "or nah." That's cool, I told him that I won't be around much longer. Then, out of the blue, I get promoted to manager... It still isn't enough money but I've been promoted the last two times that I've mentioned leaving. Maybe if I just keep threatening to leave I'll eventually die rich. It's a theory.
I'll never get 8 hours of sleep for an entire week
I don't get any sleep now. I haven't had steady sleep since I found out my wife was pregnant 4 years ago. Now that I have another newborn on the way I have no hope of getting these bags from under my eyes. I guess I might as well get down on this Keurig coffee machine before I spend the money on diapers. Ugh.
The madness that is baby naming
On my fridge there is a sealed envelope. Inside that envelope is the word "boy" or "girl". My wife hates every girl's name that I come up with. What's wrong with Maya? It's a good name! Forget I mentioned it. I digress. The envelope will be taken to a baker and said baker shall bake a cake and dye the inside either pink or blue. We invite family over and cut said cake. Then and only then will I find out which name that my child almost had because his or her mother will veto whatever I settle on.
There go my balls
I'm going to turn 54 the year that baby 2 turns 18. I'm going to be an older dad as it is. Also, I'm aware that babies aren't cheap when it comes to both time and money. I'm done with this baby having. I'm getting the big snip. Deez nuts have got me in enough adventure and it's time to shut it down. The good news about that is that insurance pays for most of the mutilation.. I mean procedure. For less money than my next trip to dentist I can be non-reproductive. Now that I think of it, that's pretty cool. More people need to get down on this snip-snip.
All this being said, I'm fairly excited about this new baby. The practice baby is doing well so we might hit this next one out of the park. Also, baby 1 needs a playmate that didn't drop 400 dollars on an Xbox one. As soon as baby 2 can walk they are getting locked in a room with one order: play.
I guess these are the times we all live for. I just want baby 2 to be healthy and happy... and a boy. Because, seriously, I need a teammate.
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