Skip to main content

a fear of self

I’ve met a lot people in this world and one of the most interesting aspects of someone is what they are afraid of.  I’ve come across some crazy ones that I just can’t explain (feathers, butterflies, da gubment), and a couple I can sort of see (clowns, wasps).

My biggest fear is not quite a phobia because it isn’t a fear of something concrete.  I’m actually scared of losing my mind. 
If you read my blog (and you are a smartass) you might say the process has already begun, but bear with me.  The blog actually lets me get things off my chest which an overactive mind needs to do from time to time.  Also, if I do lose my shit one day, we can all go back in my blog and see what you fuckers did that made me nuts.

Anyhoo, back to me.  These are a few reasons why I’m afraid I might go crazy.

Reason #1:  I don’t think I’m normal

                I embrace my oddity, I really do, but I wish more people could empathize with me when I get upset about things.  The whole world is either entirely too fucking passive or I might need to learn to chill out a bit more.  My money is on the former.

Reason #2:  It won’t shut up

                I’m always thinking about something.  Often it is completely unrelated to the task at hand.  I can be thinking about my blog while I’m cooking or wondering about what to wear to work while I’m changing my oil.  I suppose that it’s a gift and a curse to be able to have your mind on two things at once.  My music doesn’t distract me while driving and it allows me to play videogames and have a rational conversation at the same time.  However, it does make me wonder if maybe one day the thoughts may become more important than the job at hand.  I don’t want to be one of those people that can’t manage the world around them because they’ve lost the ability to accomplish menial tasks and follow instructions (not that I care to be good at either of those at this point but it’s nice to know I can do it).

Reason #3:  Self medication

                I have yet to hear a doctor say “Whoo, thank goodness you’re self-medicated!”  Also, my personal medication of choice is liquor.  Liquor slows my brain down and I can relax… and also dance all night.  That’s the win-win.  I would smoke weed but it’s such a friggin hassle to buy it, hide it, then find a safe place to smoke it.  Why do all that when I can just go the liquor store?

Reason #4:  The Fly effect

                My favorite part of the re-make of “The Fly” was when Geena Davis tells Jeff Goldblum that he’s getting worse and he replies “I’m getting better.”  That’s sort of where I’m at now.  Instead of working on what worries me, I kinda keep feeding the beast.  I keep reading, keep my brain with stimulus all day long so I keep lying awake at night and waking up in the morning with a clenched jaw because the crazy has seeped into my dreams.  All this just to drink on the weekend to gather enough strength to start anew on Monday.  I’m sure this sort of turning in to the skid is the way people end up in the looney bin.

My saving grace is that crazy people don’t worry about being crazy.  They actually think Jesus lives above the ceiling in the bathroom and wants them to kill the old lady next door.  I just think female soldiers shouldn’t have to worry about being raped and that people should get paid a living wage… you know stupid shit like that.  That’s what keeps me up at night.
Maybe I’ll go into politics, that’s where we put the crazy people these days anyway.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Maury must be stopped. No one has profited more from Black people being ignorant than he.   I know the old saying: “Mama’s baby, Papa’s maybe.” But, contrary to popular belief, Black men love their children.   Everyone loves children.   Even if Black men realize that they aren’t bringing much to a household, they know that there is magic there.   That magic might be scary, like all magic, but it’s there.   There isn’t much difference between the love that develops between a man and a child with his D.N.A.   and a man that a child that he has raised. I am my father’s son.   No, I’m not light skinned or a hustler, but I laugh when I hear something funny.   I’ll sit on a porch and dink liquor all Saturday morning.   My toes are extraordinarily long (just like his).   I will see a beautiful woman and take notice just because I am a man and that’s what a man does.   My dad raised me well. When you see a Black man on Maury, y...

its a bird, it's a plane its a nigga wearing a cape!

I wish I was a super hero.  Even at this age I have delusions of saving people that far too often don't want to be saved. Seriously, how many stupid people can one city have?  That's not even counting all the people with Confederate flags on their cars or worse, Mitt Romney bumper stickers.  Those people just need to be slapped.  There are people in this city that still think drive by shootings are viable options to settling disputes that started on facebook... Fucking FACEBOOK.  Shooting these people would be counter productive and hypocritical but I do think someone should at least make an attempt to turn these people into useful members of society.  When that doesn't work, beat those assholes into submission.  Brutality worked during slavery and that had zero moral grounding.  I support routine beatings of people that obviously deserve it. First example: Sexual predators.  Something ridiculous, like 1 in 4 women are sexually ass...

Code Cracked: LeBron

After LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were swept by the Golden State Warriors my timeline was predictably filled with people arguing that LeBron couldn't possibly be the greatest of all time because he didn't fart rainbows or just will his team to victory. One of the most eyebrow raising post was of Michael Jordan celebrating another title.  I don't even remember what Mike was going on about but it made remember remember something about Mike that I had forgotten in all the Lebron comparisons: Mike was a complete asshole. Then, I got to thinking about Mike's heir (air) to the title of best in the game, Kobe.  Kobe wasn't brimming with personality but one thing that we should all agree on, is that he was also a fucking dick.  I specifically remember him ignoring Chris Rock on the sidelines like he was too focused to be funny. Then there's LeBron James.  Even when he has a team full of underachievers he has the nerve to pick up his purse and leave ra...