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a fear of self

I’ve met a lot people in this world and one of the most interesting aspects of someone is what they are afraid of.  I’ve come across some crazy ones that I just can’t explain (feathers, butterflies, da gubment), and a couple I can sort of see (clowns, wasps).

My biggest fear is not quite a phobia because it isn’t a fear of something concrete.  I’m actually scared of losing my mind. 
If you read my blog (and you are a smartass) you might say the process has already begun, but bear with me.  The blog actually lets me get things off my chest which an overactive mind needs to do from time to time.  Also, if I do lose my shit one day, we can all go back in my blog and see what you fuckers did that made me nuts.

Anyhoo, back to me.  These are a few reasons why I’m afraid I might go crazy.

Reason #1:  I don’t think I’m normal

                I embrace my oddity, I really do, but I wish more people could empathize with me when I get upset about things.  The whole world is either entirely too fucking passive or I might need to learn to chill out a bit more.  My money is on the former.

Reason #2:  It won’t shut up

                I’m always thinking about something.  Often it is completely unrelated to the task at hand.  I can be thinking about my blog while I’m cooking or wondering about what to wear to work while I’m changing my oil.  I suppose that it’s a gift and a curse to be able to have your mind on two things at once.  My music doesn’t distract me while driving and it allows me to play videogames and have a rational conversation at the same time.  However, it does make me wonder if maybe one day the thoughts may become more important than the job at hand.  I don’t want to be one of those people that can’t manage the world around them because they’ve lost the ability to accomplish menial tasks and follow instructions (not that I care to be good at either of those at this point but it’s nice to know I can do it).

Reason #3:  Self medication

                I have yet to hear a doctor say “Whoo, thank goodness you’re self-medicated!”  Also, my personal medication of choice is liquor.  Liquor slows my brain down and I can relax… and also dance all night.  That’s the win-win.  I would smoke weed but it’s such a friggin hassle to buy it, hide it, then find a safe place to smoke it.  Why do all that when I can just go the liquor store?

Reason #4:  The Fly effect

                My favorite part of the re-make of “The Fly” was when Geena Davis tells Jeff Goldblum that he’s getting worse and he replies “I’m getting better.”  That’s sort of where I’m at now.  Instead of working on what worries me, I kinda keep feeding the beast.  I keep reading, keep my brain with stimulus all day long so I keep lying awake at night and waking up in the morning with a clenched jaw because the crazy has seeped into my dreams.  All this just to drink on the weekend to gather enough strength to start anew on Monday.  I’m sure this sort of turning in to the skid is the way people end up in the looney bin.

My saving grace is that crazy people don’t worry about being crazy.  They actually think Jesus lives above the ceiling in the bathroom and wants them to kill the old lady next door.  I just think female soldiers shouldn’t have to worry about being raped and that people should get paid a living wage… you know stupid shit like that.  That’s what keeps me up at night.
Maybe I’ll go into politics, that’s where we put the crazy people these days anyway.

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