Stop the Music

I love being a married man.  That being said, there are certain complications that come with the territory.  For instance, after I took my vows, turns out I was still a human male, which is nice when it comes to sexing up the wife, not so nice when in the company of other boobs and badonks.

Now I haven’t become a master of avoiding attraction from the opposite sex quite yet but I’m working on it (not really).  One thing that I’ve noticed is that if the right song comes on, it amplifies all of those carnal urges your pastor swore would get you straight into hell.

In the real and married world, it isn’t the devil you face when you give in to your urges, it’s that pissed off spouse.  In the interest of saving you all that sort of pain I’ve come up with a top ten list of songs that you should never, I mean NEVER, get caught alone in a car, on a couch or on a dance floor with anyone other than the one you’re with.  And for any nefarious females looking to do some man stealing, enjoy the playlist.  Just don’t try to use this stuff on me.  I’ll jump out of a moving car if need be and none of us need that type of drama.

Ok, here we go:

10.  As We Lay – Shirley Murdock

                I used to have a saying in college.  If your premise is shit, your paper is shit.  Similarly, when you’re listening to a song about doing the dirt, the dirt has a better chance of getting did.  Worst part about this song, Shirley does a masterful job of humanizing the role of the other woman.  You know what happens when you humanize a hussie?  You end up either being a hussie or inserting your penis into one.

9.  Me and Mrs. Jones – Billy Paul

                In the same vein as As We Lay, this song makes cheating sound way too much fun.  Billy Paul sings harder than any man ever sang about his wife.  Maybe that’s the trick to making a wife happy.  Make sure it’s someone else’s wife…

8.  Crazy – Aerosmith

                Black readers, I’m sure this one is going to miss a lot of you but I assure you, the howling of Steven Tyler and cheap beer has probably gotten more losers laid than Bishop Don Magic Juan and The Big Bang Theory combined.  The next time you’re out with White folks and you don’t think they can dance, throw this joint on and watch the magic happen.

7.  Fortunate – Maxwell

                You hear Maxwell hit those first five notes and you better get your ass to the phone and call your boo.  Something about that brotha singing a song with all his might makes you want to do things with all your might that might turn out rather unfortunate.

6.   Fire and Desire – Rick James and Teena Marie

                The trouble with this song is that it isn’t just a great love song, you can also dance to it.  Not just dance but grind to it touch to it, feel to it.  Feel that warm breath on your chest and smell her perfume to it… you get my point.  Not to be outdone by Rick, Teena Marie gets on the track and lets the fellas know that ladies can put it all out there too.  Which is a good thing unless it’s the wrong lady.

5.  Purple Rain – Prince

                This is one of my favorite songs, if not my favorite song.  What is it about?  Something about Prince's love raining down on you and you dancing in it like a kid in a sun shower or something like that?  It’s fucking complicated.  I can tell you this much, for the last three minutes Prince is just moaning over the music.  That might not sound romantic but maaaaaaaan listen.

4.   All Cried out – Allure ft 112

                All my ‘90s heads know this song.  It might be cheesy to a layman, inundated with over singing as it is but if you were still in your growing stages when this joint came out, stay away from any other sexy people that grew up at the same time.

3.  Let’s Get it on/ Sexual healing – Marvin Gaye

                Fact: Marvin Gaye has counteracted the effect of Planned parenthood in the Black community for the last 40 years.  You listen to too much Marvin and there will be children.  Know that.  I let these two songs stand together for the record because seriously, why in the blue hell would you be dancing to either of these songs with someone you aren’t trying to get naked?  Seriously, they aren’t playing either of these songs at a father/daughter dance.

2.   If Only For One Night – Luther Vandross

                The runner up goes to the all time champion of snuggle up music.  While there are a lot of Luther songs that will get you in to trouble, none of them are as explicit and sensual as this one.  The title implies that this might not happen again and it ain’t ever happened before but tonight I’m down if you are.  Now imagine Luther Vandross singing that to you for five minutes.  Nobody is keeping their draws on after that.

1.          Giving Him Something He Can Feel – En Vogue

I was born in the Hip-Hop age and I’m a sucker for a remake.   En Vogue made this classic song a little bit better.  It doesn’t get many points for subtlety but neither do home wrecking trollops… think about it.

Here are a couple of honorable mentions you should also avoid:

 Knocking boots – H town (Crooners discovered by Luther Campbell of 2Live Crew.  Enough said.)

If Loving You is Wrong (I don’t Want to be Right) - Luther Ingram (Never been a better song written from the view of a married cheater)

Alright – John Legend (John Legend sums up just about how I wanted every drunken night at the club to go)

You’re Gonna Love Me – Jennifer Hudson (If a woman requests this song, you know two things about her.  1: She will do any freaky thing you ask just to keep you and 2: She’s keyed a few cars in her past)

Oh Maker – Janelle Monae (Love over everything is an idea that always seemed better yesterday)

Flex – Mad Cobra (This is a joint people throw on when they think they got you on the fence and just want to give you a little nudge to land you on the side of getting your freak on.)

Don’t Speak – Green Day  (Virtually impossible to dance to, unless you’re a drunk white person or trying really hard to sleep with a drunk white person… use responsibly)