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Zombies Don't Fear Crosses


I really like zombie movies.  I will basically watch anything with a title that ends in “of the dead”.  There is something about the idea of a few survivors, or even a lone hero, going against all odds to escape hordes of mindless beasts. 

I was reminded of how much I identify with the protagonists in zombie movies today when I went to church.  For those of you that don’t know me, I’m not really big on church.  Not only does it happen during NFL games and NBA Sunday, it really is boring to me.  I went to church a little bit when I was a kid and I actually remember a lot of the lessons.  The result is that I tend to tune out anything I find redundant and start to analyze the environment and people around me.

Now, that didn’t happen today.  Today I got pissed off too quickly to bother myself with trying to figure out who was full of shit and who was just stupid.

Church is an odd place to find yourself wanting to smack the shit out of somebody but I never said I wasn’t an oddball.  I am usually pretty immune to conservative rhetoric but as the proud father of a baby girl when the preacher decided to point out that Jesus failed to select a woman as a follower, even after selecting lowly Judas, it was evidence that women needed to stay in their subservient roles because it was God’s plan.

Now, I was a feminist before I was a father and I’ve heard the argument that because there are so few respectable women in the bible, it is evidence that they are the lesser sex by God’s design.  The argument is silly because a) some of the stories in the bible are less than logically possible and are therefore poor examples of evidence in a logical argument and b) basing a modern society on 2000 year old ideas is just plain stupid.  Just because you don’t believe in evolution, doesn’t mean you should stop the rest of us from evolving. 

As the pastor (preacher?) continued, he warned about how gay marriage was an abomination and how we need to speak out against such things because the world was in danger because of not only our evil ways but also the failure of the good to speak on it.  He even decided to throw shade on pornography while he was at it.  I admit that there are plenty of valid reasons to derogate porn.  It has an exploitive nature, it contorts people’s view of sexuality and finding the quality stuff on the internet should be much simpler.  That being said, isn’t it a little ironic for a man to think homosexuality is evil and still not even WANT to see some boobs?  Irony, however, is for people that understand logical connections.  Not really for church.

But I digress.  What made me mad was I started to realize the pedagogical nature of church.  There were at least a dozen young girls in church that afternoon listening to that bull shit.  There were also several men in the audience co-signing every word from the pulpit.  That is when I realized that these preachers were infecting people not unlike the ravenous zombies from my favorite movies.  Regressive conservatives spread the disease of mindlessness and it is sweeping the nation like the newest sensation.

I had enough.  So I grabbed my coat, said goodbye to my mom and hit the door.  I tried to wait for the preacher to shut up but he wouldn’t so I had to walk out while he was mid prayer.  I guess I wasn’t quiet because he tried to call me and my escaping uncle back from the pulpit.  I straight up ignored his ass.  As I left I heard him say “They just gonna keep on walking.”  I’m sure he said something or another about me but I tend not to concern myself about the opinions of idiots.  Had I actually turned around I would have been forced to tell him that I thought I would have better spent my time watching porn and checking up on my gay friends via facebook but that would have been unchristian of me.

I like to think that it is Christian to care about people as human beings and only find fault when they bring harm to myself or others and it gets to me when people that claim to be holier than I bring forth unwarranted ignorance.  But, maybe he was right about one thing.  He said that God calls on some of us to spread his word and just maybe God was telling me that today was the day for me to smack that nigga clear out of his robe and I just didn’t heed my calling.  Maybe next time.

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